Recently it was reported that the FBI arrested 159 men who were pimping 105 teenage girls in over 76 American cities. What struck me about this sting operation was what it implied about the men involved—not only the pimps, but also the Johns. Could I as a father of two girls ever imagine myself in their position? Could any father? Well, I think not, unless hypocrisy, inauthenticity, or even perversion is involved. Unfortunately, there is no “father gene.” Whether male or female, we must learn our gender role, usually from our parents. I think we men have a learning deficit here. As a result of the transformation women have achieved in American society, men face a significant challenge—most especially in their role as fathers.

On the cusp of a new century, Henry Adams wrote about his concerns for the future of the American family. Speaking from the latter part of the Victorian Period, he was already witnessing the growing chorus of women who were demanding more from their lives than arranged marriages and child rearing. As he noted, some of the most intelligent women of his time found their lives meaningless by the age of 40. He confessed his inability to foretell the future amidst the maelstrom of change at the turn of the century. But, as an historian, he had little difficulty in identifying the roots of a “Venus” revolution. Women, he confessed, had been suppressed by men, by the church, and, in his time, potentially by the machine (referencing the onslaught of the industrial era). Recorded history was no more than a chronicle of “man’s” advancement. No woman was credited with any advancement in the American nineteen century. It was a man’s world then but for the feminine storm brewing under Adam’s astute scrutiny. By 1904, he could already observe women leaving the home for work in the new machine age and wonder what upheaval might result in the American way of life. Of course, he could not foresee the woman’s suffrage movement, the massive infusion of women in the workforce during World War II, the advancement of women’s rights, and their inclusion into nearly every fabric of American life. Whereas women have continued to solidify their gains and to progress into the 21st century, men have not quite kept pace in adapting to the women’s quest for a coequal role in society. For men to adapt to the ascendancy of women, they not only need to share power and influence in business and government, but to share responsibility in the home equitably. Now much has been written about the many social changes required by the gender equality movement. I am only going to address one here: fatherhood.

The forces that drive men in the workforce often pull them away from their families. We all know the story of the professional superwomen who balance work and family without missing a step. But where are the supermen who partner with them? I know of a few, but they are in the minority. This performance gap is nowhere more felt than in fathering. In my own experience, I can recall how difficult it was to find time away from work for my kids. So part of the problem is our job structure. But I want to focus on the dark secret of our male mystique—the remnant of several thousand years of male superiority. We males like to feel like we are running the show while leaving actual family and home management to you women. Along with this management comes a big dose of motherhood with a measly aside of fatherhood. In too many households, there are no fathers at all. (LGBT couples are actually a partial remedy for this problem.) So what is the impact of part-time or absent father figures? You can answer from your own experience. For my part, I see fatherhood as essential to the health of a man’s psyche and of society as a whole. When a man feels the warmth of fathering in his veins, he reacts more empathetically to others, respects women, participates fully in their nurturing role in the home and in the community, and finds it easier to curb the warrior instinct that tends towards domination, even violence. And, finally, the progeny of good fathers is more good fathers and a more equitable society for both genders.

I pray for a future where men no longer devalue or, worse, prey on women or girls. Like Henry Adams, I can only see the current vectors of change. But their trajectory is more promising today than one hundred years ago. Women in the West have reached new pinnacles. We men have only begun to keep pace.