Until now, I have resisted advertising on this blog. But I just discovered a device I was told would make political campaigning easier. It is called the “Twistcon.” And it comes with its own avatar, called “Savvy.” Recently, I put it to the test. What follow is my dialogue with Savvy.

Savvy: Are you running for office?
Me: Yes (I lied, but she can’t see me)
Savvy: Do you have a question for me?
Me: Yes. Recently, I was asked how I would fight ISIS. How should I respond?
Savvy: “Carpet bomb Raqqa.” Your answer shows strength and resolve. It taps into the public fear of terrorists invading the homeland.
Me: Thanks Savvy. How should I respond to economic questions like about a shrinking middle class?
Savvy: It depends upon whether you are a democrat or a republican. If a democrat, blame the rich and “trickle down” economics. If a republican, blame the democrat in the White House for high taxes on “job creators” and regulations that punish small businesses.
Me: But aren’t those answers too simplistic? I mean, President Reagan left office over twenty years ago and the current President isn’t responsible for our current tax structure. Over time many politicians have created that structure.
Savvy: Then blame the establishment. Nobody really knows who “they” are. That way you build your case as an “outsider.” Never bring up the word “politician.” It connotes bad behavior.
Me: Wow! I’m beginning to really appreciate your wisdom.
Savvy: Thanks. My code is based upon knowledge gained from many political operatives, campaign managers, pollsters, media pundits and the like.
Me: Impressive. But I’m really worried about my positions on things like abortion, religious rights, race relations, and, you know, things like that—those messy ideological questions.
Savvy: As a general rule, you should always tailor your answer to your audience. Tell them what they want to hear. But, be careful about being caught on tape.
Me: What if the media is there with their cameras and mikes?
Savvy: Now you’re getting to the real difficult part: the part that separates you from your opponents. You have to be prepared to answer these types of questions with set slogans—scripted lines that repel follow-up questions but reveal little. For example, if you are a republican, you might say “I believe in the right to life and would fight ‘Roe vs. Wade.” Of course, you can’t fight the law, so nothing is really required of you. If you are a democrat, you say the opposite, “I believe in a woman’s right to choose and support ‘Roe vs. Wade.” Your constituency would expect nothing else from you. In either case, you avoid nuanced questions regarding rape, incest, teenage pregnancies and the like. Just keep repeating the same line. Responding to questions about race and religion are easier. Just say you believe in God and are against racial discrimination. If pressed on specific policies, answer with a long discourse about the importance of your faith in your life or about the black friends in your life or, better, the black families you’ve helped or supported in some way or another. Name-drop if you can, quote the Bible, or inject a well-known saying of Martin Luther King. The real goal here is to avoid having your sincerity questioned by outlasting your questioner with a drawn-out answer.
Me: You’re really good at this.
Savvy: Thanks. My program has been certified as “Standard Political Practice.”
Me: I’m really worried about personal attacks. How do I handle them?
Savvy: It depends upon the nature of the attack. But, in general, you admit nothing and steer the questioner to your opponent’s weaknesses.
Me: How do I do that?
Savvy: Guilt by association. It works every time. Maybe your opponent was seen in public with a white supremacist. Another approach: you can demand he/she release correspondence or records of meetings. Make sure your demand is unreasonable. Even failure to respond will imply guilt.
Me: I used to . . . well, on occasion, I would hire . . . you know, my marriage had some rocky times.
Savvy: “I never had sex with that woman” works, as long as the other woman never comes forth. Better, unless there are pictures, you can say simply “I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her.” Just make sure she stands at your side and looks supportive.
Me: She hates me.
Savvy: In that case, maybe you should consider another profession.
Me: Ouch! Politics is really brutal.

At this point, I stopped my test. For the first time I realized why the remaining candidates in the current presidential campaign have called an opponent a liar. Maybe Savvy is right about considering another profession. With that in mind, I decided to make Twistcon available for free to any candidate looking for campaign advice.