A Culpable Innocence
Chapter 15: Chu Lai Encounter (pg. 206)
“God, Antwaan,
were you fragged?”
“No, I just messed up. I
always led patrols because I was so good at spotting mines and booby traps. But
this one was old and weathered too well into the background. I should have
guessed it might be there simply by the placement. You know you’re walking in a
minefield wherever you go in My Lai. After a while, you start to think just
like Charlie. I mean, I could almost always tell where he would place the
buggers, just where you would have to step for footing. But you never can be
absolutely sure. That’s the thing that wears on you: the uncertainty. With
every step you can be critically injured or just somewhat maimed. Man, it’s
like life or death every day. You’d never know until you returned to base camp
safe and sound. Then at night you had to stand watch for 82mm. rounds dropped
on your head before you could crawl into a corner for any rest. I guess I’m glad
to leave ‘Nam period. I can only imagine what I’ll feel when I’m on that plane
outta here.”
“I don’t know if I could have
dealt with what you’ve been through. I’ve just seen glimpses of the war. And I
don’t think I’ve handled the experience very well.”
“Reggie, what are you involved
with? I know about your MOS, STRATCOM, and Battalion Operations. But there’s
more isn’t there? This guy, Chief Warrant Officer Karnow,
comes to see me and asks these dumb questions about you. I’m no fool. I can see
he’s military intelligence. So what does he want with you?”
“It’s nothing, really. He
thinks I met a VC spy in Saigon. But he’s wrong. Her uncle deals with some
unsavory characters, but he does so with the knowledge of MACV and the U.S.
Embassy. He’s some kind of negotiator. Karnow is just
a buffoon; he’s got things all misconstrued.”
Regis’ answer gave Antwaan much to consider. He furled his brow and squinted
in an attempt to see past his friend’s words. “I don’t like what I’m hearing.
You’re suspected by military intelligence of conversing with a VC spy. And it’s
a she? This is not good, Reggie. Are you involved with this woman?”
Regis bowed his head and
answered rather sheepishly. “I care for her . . . as a friend. She and her uncle have really
been very good to me.”
“Reggie, there’s more than
friendship, isn’t there?” Regis stared ahead and felt unable to respond. Antwaan rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “Reggie, Reggie,
you did it, didn’t you?” Regis looked away. “Boy, did you fuck up!”
“It looks bad, but I can put
it all behind me.” Regis was looking at the ceiling as if he was praying.
“Really, she’s not a spy. And I do love Sharon. It’s just this whole Vietnam
thing. It makes you re-evaluate everything. And sometimes you just react.”
Antwaan studied the pain he saw on Regis’ face. “You’re a great guy,
buddy. I love ‘ya. Maybe you just had too much of a
good thing before you came into the Army: great job, career, beautiful girl,
apartment practically on the Bay. You had it made until you got drafted. Maybe
now you’ve realized what you didn’t have.” Antwaan
bowed his head and focused on the foot that was only partially there.
He continued in a low voice,
as if he were talking to himself. “There’s ways this place can change you—ugly
ways. I think you might be one of the lucky ones: you could change for the
better. I mean, I believe in you. When I was out there in the bush, I saw
things, really bad things. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking I mean the casualties.
Sure, there were the mangled bodies, torn to the bone, screaming young men
begging for morphine. You look away, can’t take it in really. At some point,
you go numb inside. I’m sure I’ll never forget . . . some things are burnt into
my mind . . . but there were other things that will haunt my very soul. I guess
you’d call it ‘man’s inhumanity to man,’ what we did to villagers because they
harbored or supported VC . . . napalm, mortars, 155mm. howitzers, air strikes .
. . wasting teenage boys and girls carrying AK-47s. I tried to limit . . .
tried to control . . . the slaughter. But it’s fuckin’
insane, this shitty war; and it makes you feel filthy inside.” There was anger
in Antwaan’s voice and something more. “That’s the
really ugly part I’m afraid I may never shed.” Antwaan’s
voice broke with these last words.
Regis held his friend close as
Antwaan quietly wept on his shoulder.
Other Links: